Baby Vladimir Putin waddled to the podium first, drooling out history lessons about Alaska, World War II pilots, and icy playgrounds where “neighbors” used to share toys. He called Trump a “dear neighbor” and said their playdate was long overdue. “Российско-американские встречи в верхах не проводились более 4 лет,” Putin cooed, complaining that the babies hadn’t had a proper playdate since before some of them even learned to crawl.
The Russian baby kept rattling about Ukraine, calling it a “tragedy and тяжёлая боль” (big baby boo-boo), but insisted he really really wants peace. He even promised that Russia is “готовы над этим работать” — ready to work on it, just as soon as everyone agrees to play by his playground rules.
Putin bragged that toy trade between the nurseries is already up 20%, and he wants more: “высоких технологиях и освоении космоса,” which is baby-talk for shiny gadgets and rocket ships. He even compared U.S.–Russia relations to the magical “линия перемены дат” — the baby version of hopping from yesterday to tomorrow with just one wobbly step.
Trump clapped again and promised to call NATO, President Zelensky, and “some of our really great leaders,” naming Baby Marco Rubio, now Secretary of State, and Baby Steve Witkoff, the chief negotiator. He praised them like favorite playmates at recess, saying they’ve been doing “a phenomenal job,” even though most babies in the playpen just wanted to know when snack time was.
Trump also couldn’t resist whining about his old teething pain: “We had to put up with a Russia Russia Russia hoax. He knew it was a hoax and I knew it was a hoax.” Both babies agreed that it made their sandbox time harder, but hey, they’re pals now.
At one point Trump even daydreamed out loud about saving “5 to 7,000 thousands of people a week” — which is either peace in Ukraine or the world’s biggest diaper shortage. He ended by promising the next playdate will be in Moscow.
Both Sides’ Reaction:
Babies who clapped liked seeing two top toddlers share their blocks instead of throwing them. They hope this means fewer toy soldiers marching across the sandbox and more cookies at snack time.
Babies who threw their rattles don’t buy it. They see Putin’s goo-goo talk about peace as just cover for keeping his favorite toys, and they think Trump’s soft coos make him too easy to trick. They worry the playdate might end with more tantrums than tickles.
The crib is split: some babies think this was the start of nap-time harmony, others think it’s just two babies pretending to share while hiding pacifiers behind their backs.