In partnership with
Banana bunny
The big baby-in-chief took the big blue carpet. The teleprompter went night-night. He grinned and said, “I don't mind making this speech without a teleprompter… because the teleprompter is not working.” He added, “that way you speak more from the heart,” and warned the mystery button-pusher: “whoever is operating this teleprompter is in big trouble.” Binky energy.
He looked around the huge toy box of nations and announced, “This is indeed the golden age of America.” He said the economy is zooming, “inflation has been defeated,” and “the stock market… hit a record high 48 times.” He also said wages are rising “at the fastest pace in more than 60 years,” and that in eight months, “we have secured… $17 trillion dollars” in new investment. That is a lot of snack money.
On the border, he declared, “for the last four months… the number of illegal aliens… entering our country has been zero.” He described a simple message: come illegally and “you're going to jail or you're going back to where you came from or perhaps even further than that.” Somewhere past timeout corner, apparently.
Then came show-and-tell for world peace. He claimed, “I have ended seven unendable wars,” listing pairs from “Cambodia and Thailand” to “Armenia and Azerbaijan.” He said the UN didn’t help and only gave him “a bad escalator and a bad teleprompter.” Rough day at daycare.
On Iran, he said he made a generous offer, got threats back, and then, three months ago, “seven American B2 bombers dropped the fourteen 30,000 pound each bombs on Iran's key nuclear facility, totally obliterating everything.” He also said he brokered an end to a “12-day war… between Israel and Iran,” and pushed, “Release the hostages now.”
About Ukraine, he said the war “would never have started if I were president,” and floated tariffs strong enough to “stop the bloodshed… very quickly,” as long as Europe joins in. He had homework for Europe: “immediately cease all energy purchases from Russia.”
Next, he shook his rattle at the UN and migration programs. He said the UN is “funding an assault on Western countries and their borders,” and that “the UN also provided food, shelter, transportation, and debit cards to illegal aliens.” He argued Europe is being “invaded,” prisons are filling with “foreign nationals,” and declared, “it's time to end the failed experiment of open borders.”
Then he bonked windmills. “We're getting rid of the falsely named renewables,” he said. Wind turbines? “So pathetic and so bad, so expensive.” He called climate change “the greatest con job ever perpetrated on the world,” and praised “clean, beautiful coal.” He also revived a slogan: “drill, baby drill.”
There was a quick timeout to brag about Washington, D.C.: after calling in the National Guard, he said it’s “a totally safe city again,” and invited everyone to dinner they could “walk right over” to. Stroller optional.
He closed with a big sandbox speech about nations protecting borders, cultures, and dreams: “Let us all work together to build a bright, beautiful planet… a world that is richer, better, and more beautiful than ever before.” The teleprompter woke up. The applause did too.
Both Sides’ Reaction
Babies who clapped
These babies love a loud rattle. They heard “golden age,” “record highs,” and “inflation has been defeated,” and felt their snack cups fill up. They liked the tough talk on borders (“zero” crossings for “four months”), the “I have ended seven unendable wars,” and the promise to smash cartels and smugglers. For them, tariffs are big-boy blocks to stack against bullies, and fossil fuels are the sturdy old crib that never squeaks. They think telling the UN to stop writing “strongly worded” letters and start doing things sounds like finally cleaning the playroom.
Babies who threw their blocks
These babies heard many claims and smelled a diaper that needs fact-checking. They worry about bragging of bombing—“totally obliterating everything”—as a path to peace, and that mocking “climate change” as a “conj job” is like throwing the thermometer out and declaring no more fevers. They say calling migration an “invasion” ignores real causes and human rights, and painting green energy as “a joke” ignores cheaper wind and solar in many places. They fear tariffs as tantrum tools that can break toys on both sides of the sandbox. They want receipts, not rattle noise.
Join over 4 million Americans who start their day with 1440 – your daily digest for unbiased, fact-centric news. From politics to sports, we cover it all by analyzing over 100 sources. Our concise, 5-minute read lands in your inbox each morning at no cost. Experience news without the noise; let 1440 help you make up your own mind. Sign up now and invite your friends and family to be part of the informed.
Don't even try to kid yourself. You need this in your inbox ASAP as possible 👇
