Today, Baby Donald Trump stood on his tiptoes behind the big podium and announced the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors. Instead of just reading names like a normal baby, he turned it into a two-hour nap-time story where every sentence circled back to—surprise!—himself.
Trump started by saying the Kennedy Center is “better than ever” now that he’s in charge. He bragged about fixing the marble, the chairs, and even the grass. Yes, the grass. According to Baby Donnie, the “lifetime of the grass has long been gone,” but luckily he owns golf courses so he knows the secrets of lawn care.
Then came the honorees. Trump named George Strait, Michael Crawford, Sylvester Stallone, Gloria Gaynor, and KISS as this year’s babies of honor. He paused after each one to remind us how great he personally is at recognizing talent. For example: “Maybe next year we’ll honor Trump, OK.” A humble king in a diaper, truly.
He spent half the time praising Stallone for not having a “bad body” and refusing to let “fat, sloppy actors” play Rocky. Then he drifted into a tale about his own Hollywood Walk of Fame star, quickly assuring everyone that his name is even bigger than Stallone’s. Waddle away, modesty.
After announcing KISS, Trump got distracted and promised Washington D.C. would soon be “crime free” with “the finest grasses.” He also warned Pam Bondi that if even one person gets injured, babies will say “Trump didn’t fulfill his promise.” No pressure, Pam.
When asked about whether he picked the honorees, Trump admitted he was “98% involved” and bragged about rejecting the “wokesters.” Apparently, the Kennedy Center is safe from both bad grass and bad politics now that Baby Don is Chairman of Blocks.
By the end, the arts announcement had morphed into his usual playpen rant: Democrats don’t share toys, interest rates are bad, Putin listens sometimes but not really, and the whole world is mean except for Lindsey Graham’s poll numbers.
December’s Kennedy Center Honors will feature a shiny new stage, five legendary artists, and one president who might secretly wish he could give himself the award. Pass the pacifiers—it’s going to be a long show.
Both Sides’ Reaction
Babies who clapped their hands say Trump is right: the Kennedy Center needed a makeover, and picking huge names like George Strait and KISS will bring back excitement. They believe his “no wokesters” rule means the show will avoid the fate of the “boring Academy Awards.”
Babies who threw their blocks say Trump turned what should’ve been a simple celebration of artists into another bragging hour about grass, marble, and his star on the Walk of Fame. They argue the Kennedy Center should honor performers, not be a stage for presidential tantrums.