Senator Mark Kelly Crawls to Mic, Says “No, You Can’t Make Me” to Trump’s Orders

Good afternoon, tiny nation. Senator Mark Kelly wobble-waddled to the podium and said the quiet part with his outside voice: “President Trump is trying to silence me, threatening to kill me for saying what is true.” He says the President didn’t like a video where Kelly and other former military/intel babies told service members to follow the law and refuse illegal orders. (“We released a video with a simple message to service members that they must refuse illegal orders.”)

Kelly says any normal president would’ve answered with two words—“of course.” Instead, he says the baby in the Oval Playpen asked for time-out forever. “The president of the United States said that two US senators and four members of the House of Representatives should be arrested, hanged, executed for something we said, for something that is true.”

He also aimed his baby spoon at Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, saying the Secretary is unqualified and more into show-and-tell than the rule of law. Kelly says he learned about a possible court-martial via a tweet, which is a very grown-up way to send homework. He added: “Enough of the bullying.” Also, “I will not be intimidated by this president.” And just for good measure, “He ain’t going to shut me up.”

Reporters asked about an alleged second strike at sea and whether that could cross the line. Kelly kept the rattle steady: there must be an investigation first. He praised U.S. service members, worried about illegal orders, and said he’d cooperate with any inquiries: “I will follow the law.”

He also reminded everyone he’s done some big-kid stuff—combat flights, space missions, and sitting by Gabby Giffords’ hospital bed—while tossing shade at Trump’s past. The main point: he’s not backing down, nap time or not.

Both Sides’ Reaction

Babies who clapped (Kelly side): These babies think leaders must use their inside voice and respect the law. They believe the military’s oath comes first, so telling troops to refuse illegal orders is a helpful reminder, not naughty talk. They worry that hot-headed threats from the big chair can put service members in legal danger and chill free speech. To them, investigations into any sketchy strikes—and into who ordered what—are how you keep tiny fingers off the red button and big toes inside the Geneva lines.

Babies who threw their blocks (Trump/Hegseth side): These babies say senators shouldn’t pre-judge operations or suggest the ranks second-guess orders, because that rattles the chain of command. They argue the President can bark loudly and still act within his powers, and that political opponents are just being dramatic for snack-time points. They want critics to stop calling the Secretary of Defense “unqualified” and to wait for full facts before declaring anything illegal. In their view, tough talk is not a crime; it’s just playpen posturing.

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