At the border wall, Secretary Kristi Nome waddled to the podium and proudly declared that President Trump’s first seven months have made the United States “the most secure it’s ever been.” She said babies could rest easy in their cribs because the border wall isn’t just tall—it’s also about to be painted black. Why? According to Nome, because black gets hotter in the sun, making it “very, very difficult to climb. Almost impossible.” Basically, the wall is being turned into a giant frying pan to scare away climbers.
Behind her, the wall stretched tall and shiny. Nome explained that it wasn’t just about steel and paint—there will also be cameras, sensors, and lights to make sure nobody sneaks through without permission. “A nation without borders is no nation at all,” she said, as if explaining peek-a-boo to a toddler.
Chief Michael Banks of Border Patrol backed her up, saying they’re not just building walls but adding all sorts of gadgets. “We’re going to paint it black for two reasons,” he explained. “One, it protects from rust. Two, black gets hotter and makes it more difficult to climb.” Translation: don’t touch, babies, or you’ll get a time-out and a blister.
Interim Chief Walter Slosar chimed in too, saying the wall will help the El Paso community grow shops, schools, and playgrounds without “smuggling cycles” nearby. He insisted morale among agents is higher than ever. “We are proud to enforce these laws,” he said, sounding like a toddler thrilled to finally be in charge of the playroom blocks.
At one point, Secretary Nome bragged that for three months in a row, “we’ve had zero illegal aliens come into the United States.” She also said 1.6 million people “went home voluntarily” thanks to Trump’s policies, so they could “come back the right way.” It was like saying kids left the sandbox willingly, just so they could line up again at the slide.
Both Sides’ Reaction:
Babies who clapped their hands said the wall is finally doing what parents promised—keeping the playpen safe. To them, a tall, black, un-climbable wall means fewer scary strangers sneaking into the nursery, more toys to themselves, and border patrol agents finally smiling instead of crying at nap time.
Babies who threw their blocks said the idea of painting the wall black to make it hotter is just silly and mean-spirited. They argued that many families trying to cross are just looking for safety, not trying to steal pacifiers. To them, this whole “giant hot stove” strategy feels more like a tantrum than a solution, and they worry it makes America look less like the playground of dreams and more like a playpen with spikes.
We wouldn't recommend it, but if you really want to watch the adults here it is: