The baby Senate rolled out the foam mats to hear Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. talk about President Trump’s 2026 health plan. The Chair promised five-minute turns and “make America healthy again” talk, then tapped the tiny gavel like a teething ring.
Senator Ron Wyden came in hot, saying the Trump–Kennedy show was an avalanche of cuts and chaos. He said Kennedy “puts children in harm's way every single day in America.” Then he asked to swear in the witness: “I would ask now that the committee formally swear in Robert Kennedy as a witness.” The chair said no. The playpen got louder.
Secretary Kennedy waddled to the mic with a grand pitch: a big pivot from “a sick care system to a true health care system that tackles the root causes of chronic disease.” He bragged that HHS is doing more with less, saving money by fixing double enrollments and fraud. He also fired the lullaby cannon at the CDC: “America is home to 4.2% of the world's population. Yet, we had nearly 20% of the COVID deaths.” His solution? “We need bold, competent, and creative new leadership at CDC.” Translation: out with the old nap monitors.
He rattled through a to-do list that made the committee reach for more Cheerios: “We are ending gain of function research, child mutilation, and reducing animal testing.” He also said HHS is knocking on doors and hunting for missing migrant kids after an “appalling loss of 476,000 unaccompanied children.” The room went full stroller derby over that one.
Republicans spoon-fed him soft peas. The Chair hyped the “one big beautiful bill” and its $50 billion for rural hospitals. Kennedy agreed the small-town clinics need formula money fast. Senator Grassley thanked him for adding “10 more rural hospitals in the program.” Everyone nodded like bobbleheads when the words “rural” and “hospitals” hit the air.
Then came vaccine nap time, which is when nobody naps. Senator Michael Bennet said Kennedy sacked the whole vaccine panel and stacked it with people way outside the sandbox. He read out a doozy about panel pick Dr. Robert Malone who, he said, claimed mRNA “causes a form of AIDS.” Kennedy parried, praised résumés, and insisted he’d “depoliticized” the process. The committee’s blood sugar dipped.
Senator Bill Cassidy, a doc-baby, gave Trump a gold star: “President Trump deserves a Nobel Prize for Operation Warp Speed.” Kennedy grinned and said, “Absolutely.” Then he was pressed on why he canceled $500 million in mRNA contracts. The room tried to square “Nobel!” with “cancel!” and bonked into the rails.
Senator Elizabeth Warren went for the bottle cap. She asked if adults and kids can still get COVID boosters at the pharmacy. Kennedy said, “Anybody can get the booster.” He added, “It's not recommended for healthy people.” Warren said that means folks can’t get it covered and are being turned away. Kennedy insisted, “I'm not taking them away from anyone.” The tug-of-war over the same teddy bear continued for minutes.
Senator Roger Marshall put up a giant chart and counted jabs like blocks: “On day number one, uh, they get their first jab, a hepatitis vaccine… By the time they're 18 months, they've had 18 jabs… By the time they get to be old enough to vote, they have 76 jabs.” Kennedy chimed in: “Saying I'm antivaccine is like saying I'm anti- medicine.” He promised more transparency and placebo testing going forward, which made the committee try very hard not to spit out their puffs.
On prices, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto poked at drug costs and cancer meds. She said seniors face higher premiums and accused the administration of shielding big drugs from negotiation. Kennedy said the last system was “poorly structured” and claimed his team is working new MFN deals. Then she asked what seniors will actually pay next year. The Secretary’s numbers were… still warming in the bottle.
Abortion pills got their turn. Senator Steve Daines cited a big insurance-claims study and asked about methapristone safety and telemedicine rules. Kennedy said he spoke to the FDA chief and the review is “progressing.” The stroller wheels squeaked louder.
Long COVID even peeked in. Senator Todd Young asked about trials and fast-tracking care. Kennedy said NIH spent a lot and “yielded nothing,” and he’s building a new consortium with doctors who claim real-world wins. He praised off-the-shelf treatments and said he’d “look for good ideas everywhere.”
Some Democrats wanted resignation; some Republicans wanted a ribbon. Senator Raphael Warnock recapped the horrific CDC shooting, pressed Kennedy on briefings, and accused him of calling CDC workers corrupt. Kennedy said he didn’t say that part the way it was retold. More pacifiers hit the floor.
By the end, everyone was sticky, tired, and a little hoarse. The Chair closed the lid on the toy bin and reminded senators to submit questions by September 11 at 5:00 p.m. Nap time at last.
Both Sides’ Reaction
Babies who clapped:
These babies loved the big talk about fixing “sick care,” cutting fraud, and pouring $50 billion into rural hospitals. They liked the promise to tackle ultraprocessed food, screen time, and drug middlemen. “We are ending gain of function research,” made them feel like the grown-up lab door finally has a lock. They also heard “Absolutely” to a Warp Speed Nobel and cheered the idea of more transparency and fewer conflicts on vaccine panels. To them, questioning blanket recommendations isn’t heresy; it’s house-cleaning.
Babies who threw their blocks:
These babies saw danger signs flashing. They heard “fired all 17” vaccine advisers and worried science is being replaced by vibes. They saw a CDC shake-up framed as “new blood” and feared it’s politics in a lab coat. When Kennedy said, “Anybody can get the booster” but “It's not recommended for healthy people,” they heard mixed signals that make real people pay cash or get denied. They heard rising premiums and exemptions for pricey cancer drugs and asked how that helps Nana. On abortion pills, they smelled ideology dressing up as a safety review. Bottom line: they think the playpen needs fewer hot takes and more published data.
