President Wobbles to the Tarmac, Announces Cheaper Turkey and Bigger Sanctions

The President waddled up and said the weekend was “great,” especially for the economy. He promised snack-time savings, telling the crib reporters, “our prices are coming down very substantially on groceries and things.” He even said Thanksgiving munchies are cheaper, adding, “a meal a Thanksgiving meal and surroundings are 25% lower than it was under the Biden administration.”

He also said big-box stores are his new playdate pals: “I go to Walmart and other companies… it’s about 25%.” The babies scribbled with crayons, trying to make the numbers behave.

Questions rained down like spilled juice. On Venezuela, a reporter asked if new designations mean the U.S. could target stuff there. The President said, “It allows us to do that, but we haven’t said we’re going to do that,” adding that “we may be having some discussions with Maduro.” When pressed again, he replied, “Venezuela would like to talk… I would talk. I talk to anybody. I talk to you, right?”

A reporter asked about a lawmaker’s worry that an “Epstein probe” could be a distraction. The President banged the high chair, saying, “fake news like you, you’re a terrible reporter,” and dunked on Representative Thomas Massie: “his poll numbers are showing he’s at 6%… we call him Rand Paul Jr.”

Safety scissors came out when someone asked about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s concerns. The President sniffed, “I don’t think, frankly, I don’t think anybody cares about her.”

On healthcare, he pitched a piggy-bank plan. He said insurance companies’ “stock is up over a thousand percent,” and floated giving money “directly to the people… let them buy their own health insurance.” He admitted the idea “came up… a little bit cavalerely,” but insisted “people love it,” promising the coins would be locked so “they can’t go out and buy a a Cadillac.”

On Russia, he said he’s fine if Congress tightens the timeout rules: “any country that does business with Russia will be very severely sanctioned. Uh we may add Iran to the formula.”

Tucker Carlson popped up like a jack-in-the-box. The President said, “I think he’s good,” bragging, “we had 300 million hits,” and defended interview choices: “you can’t tell him who to interview… people have to decide.” When reminded he once had dinner with Nick Fuentes, he replied, “I didn’t know he was coming… he was with… Kanye.”

He praised border guardians and scolded leakers: “We don’t have to get [Congress’s] approval, but… letting them know is good… The only thing I don’t want them to do is leak information.” Then he painted a scary sandbox picture, claiming Venezuela “released into the United States” lots of prisoners and “gang members,” and that the previous administration “allow[ed] 20 or 25 million people to pour into our country.”

He ended with a victory burp about money stuff: “We have a great economy. The prices are coming down… I’m the one that’s getting the prices down… I have it down now to a normal level, and it’s going down further. Thank you very much, everybody.”

Babies who clapped with sticky hands:
These tots like the sound of cheaper snack packs and a President who says he’ll put cash straight in their piggy banks for health insurance. They hear “25% lower” and “pay it back to the people,” and picture bigger Thanksgiving plates and smaller boo-boos at checkout. On foreign baddies, they like tough talk and the option to sanction anyone who shares blocks with Russia, plus maybe Iran too. The “I’ll talk to anybody” vibe feels grown-up-in-baby-world: open to chats, but keeping the toy hammer handy.

Babies who threw their blocks:
These skeptics say the math still has applesauce on it. They want proof that groceries and Thanksgiving are truly cheaper and wonder what “over a thousand%” means for insurer stocks. The healthcare idea sounds like free lollipops, but they worry about coverage rules and whether families can really “negotiate price” from the playpen. On Venezuela and immigration claims, they want receipts, not spooky nap-time stories. The swipes at reporters and lawmakers make them think the nursery is getting louder, not clearer.

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