Governor Ron DeSantis tottered up to the podium in Tampa Bay with his blocks stacked high and his juice cup full. He came to brag about roads, bridges, and how Florida’s piggy bank is bursting with coins.
He started by cheering on the University of South Florida football team, who apparently have the hardest playdate schedule in the sandbox this season.
But quickly he got to the big toy reveal: the Howard Franklin Bridge, which he called the “largest infrastructure project ever delivered in the Tampa Bay area.” Nearly $1 billion worth of blocks and toy cars will make the bridge wider, taller, and fancier — big enough to handle hurricanes and 200,000 stroller-pushing babies a day.
“We will end up delivering a modern bridge that will increase capacity by 50%,” DeSantis said, drool-free but very proud. He also bragged about widening I-275 and speeding up road projects with his “Moving Florida Forward” plan, which sounds like when toddlers all push their walkers at the same time.
Transportation Secretary Jared Purdue joined in, praising DeSantis like he was the best block-stacker in daycare. He bragged that crews are already tearing down the old Howard Franklin Bridge (built in 1960, aka the dinosaur days) and recycling the concrete into new play toys for Florida roads.
DeSantis also wiggled in talk about Florida’s AAA credit rating, the state’s growing piggy bank for rainy days (but not too rainy, because hurricanes), and even hinted at a big plan to cut property taxes by 2026 so babies can “own their blankie forts free and clear.”
When asked about a deadly crash involving a truck driver, DeSantis sucked his pacifier hard and blamed California’s “sanctuary sandbox policies” for letting unsafe drivers in. Then he shook his rattle at local governments, scolding them for painting colorful murals on roads instead of sticking to car lanes and crosswalks. “The roads are for cars and strollers, not finger painting,” he basically said.
By the end, the governor had stacked so many toy blocks — debt repayment, bridges, hurricane safety, property taxes, housing costs — that the podium almost tipped over.
Both Sides’ Reaction:
Babies who clapped: These babies like the shiny new bridge and faster roads. They think smoother traffic means fewer tantrums in the car seat. They’re also excited about the governor’s promise to protect piggy banks and maybe even cut property taxes, which would mean more coins left over for juice boxes.
Babies who threw their blocks: These babies worry that all the shiny announcements are just sugar coating. They say property taxes are still too high now, and waiting until 2026 feels like being told to “wait until snack time.” They also don’t like the art ban on roads, saying it takes away fun colors in the sandbox and makes everything look like gray cement mush.