From behind the famous Oval Office desk — the giant playpen table where all the big baby decisions get made — President Donald Trump delivered a marathon babble about how Social Security is now safe, shiny, and stronger than ever.
He pointed to Commissioner Frank Bisignano, hyping him up like a kid showing off his favorite action figure. Trump listed Frank’s past jobs like Pokémon evolutions: JPMorgan Chase, First Data, Fiserv. Legendary! Amazing! Basically, the baby who always wins at Candy Land.
Trump rattled through his accomplishments: wait times down, fewer cranky seniors, fraudsters booted, and no more “120-year-old ghost babies” getting checks. “That really didn’t happen, did it?” he chuckled, but still claimed victory over the zombie Social Security rolls.
Frank took his turn, bowing politely and promising to build a “digital-first Social Security.” Translation: Grandma’s account won’t nap for 29 hours a week anymore. He bragged about cutting billions in errors and shrinking office waits to “six minutes.” Even toddlers can’t tantrum that fast.
Then came question time. Instead of sticking with Social Security, Trump roamed from Elizabeth Warren’s DNA to Bernie Sanders’ fastball, from crime in DC to Putin meetings, from tariffs to ghost pensions, from graffiti to Olympics, and even to how tariffs magically filled the country’s piggy bank. The Oval Office echoed with baby boasts as pacifiers dropped in disbelief.
Both Sides’ Reaction:
Babies who clapped said Social Security looks safe, especially with no more taxes on grandma’s checks and fewer fraudsters sipping milk from the wrong bottle. They like the idea of fewer tantrums in retirement.
Babies who threw their blocks said Trump’s story time sounded more like fairy tales than facts. They warn the real problem — Social Security’s long-term funding crunch — isn’t solved by signing proclamations with crayons at the Oval Office desk.