In Washington D.C., Baby President Donald Trump waddled up to the podium and announced he’d soon be calling Baby Vladimir Putin. Trump promised maybe a “solid, good, maybe great meeting” to see if the sandbox fight in Ukraine could finally be put down for nap time. He even bragged that “in the six or so wars that we stopped, we haven’t had a ceasefire,” as if peace treaties were just trading cards in his diaper bag.
Trump then spent ten whole minutes handing out shiny gold stars to his baby friends at the table: Mark Rutte, Keir Starmer, Emmanuel Macron, Giorgia Meloni, Frederick Merz, Alexander Stubb, and Ursula von der Leyen. He told Merz from Germany he looked “great with your tan,” proving once again that diplomacy is just preschool show-and-tell with compliments.
Ukrainian Baby President Volodymyr Zelensky drooled into the mic, thanking Trump and the others for “security guarantees” and begging for his kidnapped children to be brought home. “This is very important,” Zelensky said, adding that exchanging prisoners was a top goal. He even thanked Trump’s wife for sending a letter about stolen kids—because apparently international diplomacy now involves baby pen pals.
NATO’s baby boss Mark Rutte squeaked with delight that Trump “broke the deadlock” with Putin. Ursula von der Leyen chimed in, reminding everyone that abducted children need to come back “to their families” because, yes, babies do notice when their toys go missing.
The European babies all clapped their tiny hands about the idea of a “trilateral meeting” between Trump, Zelensky, and Putin. Macron suggested they might even need a “quadrilateral” one—because nothing says baby logic like adding more highchairs to the circle.
By the end, Trump declared confidently that “we may have a very good outcome” or “maybe not,” which is basically baby talk for “we’ll see after snack time.”
Both Sides of the Crib’s Reaction:
Babies who clapped their rattles believe this was a big baby step toward peace. They like the idea of security guarantees, prisoner swaps, and stopping the weekly playpen fights that kill “5,000 to 7,000 people” (Trump’s numbers, not baby math). To them, this looked like progress—finally everyone is talking in the same playroom.
Babies who threw their blocks aren’t buying it. They think Trump’s bragging about “wars he stopped” is just noisy rattle-shaking, and that Putin isn’t actually ready to share his blocks. They also worry the talks will drag on like nap time promises—always coming “soon,” but never quite happening.