Baby Bernie Sanders waddled to the Asheville stage, clutching his trusty rattle and shouting, “Power to the people!” before launching into a marathon tantrum against billionaires, Trump, and basically anyone hoarding blocks in the crib.
He thanked Reverend Barber for “fighting for years,” then cut to the chase: “We got a few problems in this country.” Translation: some babies get gold-plated pacifiers while the rest of us chew on lint.
Bernie pointed at Elon Musk, saying the diaper tycoon owns more toys than the bottom half of America combined. He huffed about CEOs getting 350 times the snacks their workers do. He even accused billionaires of owning the toy box itself: Zuckerberg with Facebook blocks, Bezos with the Washington Post plushies, Murdoch with Fox rattles, and Musk with Twitter marbles. “Enough is enough,” Bernie drooled. “This country belongs to all of us!”
He then stomped about democracy, complaining that Citizens United lets rich babies buy all the candy votes they want. “If you spend $270 million, you can basically pick the class president,” he cried, warning that the whole sandbox is tipping toward authoritarian nap time.
Switching gears, Bernie rattled off how most babies live paycheck to paycheck, even though America is “the richest playpen in history.” He painted a grim nursery picture: broken cribs (housing crisis), expensive toys (college debt), sick toddlers without bottles (health care), and stressed-out parents wondering how to pay for diapers when the car breaks. “Stress is the word,” Bernie declared, like a grumpy Sesame Street episode.
And of course, he saved his loudest tantrum for Trump. Bernie accused Baby Donald of lying about loving workers, then listed all the sneaky things he did: giving candy tax breaks to the top 1%, trying to snatch health care bottles from 15 million babies, and even raising prices with “absurd tariff policies.” “Thank you, Donald Trump,” Bernie spat with sarcastic spit bubbles.
But Bernie didn’t just whine—he scribbled out a wish list: free health care (“a human right, not a privilege”), free preschool-to-college blocks, $17 minimum wage so babies can afford formula, paid family leave so no toddler has to stay home alone, more Social Security milk money for the elderly babies, and pensions so grown-up toddlers don’t have to beg. And to pay for it all? “Make the oligarch babies pay their fair share!”
To wrap it up, Bernie compared his crusade to the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, civil rights, women’s suffrage, and LGBTQ rights—all giant baby battles of history. He thundered: “Trump and his friends believe in a government of the billionaire class, by the billionaire class, and for the billionaire class.” But then he smiled, shook his rattle, and reminded everyone that 99% is a much bigger number than 1%.
The crowd of babies clapped, stomped their feet, and threw Cheerios in the air.
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Both Sides’ Reaction
Babies who clapped: They loved Bernie’s big tantrum. To them, he’s the only one who tells it straight: billionaires hog blocks, workers get drool. They believe raising wages, free school, and fairer toy-sharing will finally give every baby a shot at crawling tall.
Babies who threw their blocks: They rolled their eyes at Bernie’s playpen socialism. To them, his promises are impossible. Taking toys from the rich won’t magically make more toys appear, and free college blocks sound like fantasy. They think Bernie’s tantrum is just a bedtime story for cranky toddlers.
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